


A Beginning

by tearable_puns



Category: Poldark (TV 2015), Poldark - All Media Types
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Idiots in Love, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23839585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tearable_puns/pseuds/tearable_puns
Summary: A canon fic detailing the reconciliation of Ross and Demelza between the second and third series. [Mostly] follows TV canon.
Relationships: Demelza Carne/Ross Poldark
Comments: 45
Kudos: 82





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic ever! Please read, enjoy and don't forget to leave a review!

Chapter 1

Ross walked into the library of Nampara, tired and hungry from the events of the day. He didn't bother going into the kitchen and seeing whether Demelza was up. Demelza no longer waited up for him, keeping his supper warm for him. _Well, not since that night._ He'd missed her, by god, he'd missed her more than anything else! He missed the warmth of her smile as she related the events of her and Jeremy's day to him, the blush rising in her cheeks when he kissed her unexpectedly ( _this is a new device, sneaking in like a tomcat,_ she'd once told him when he'd caught her unawares and placed a kiss on that spot on her neck which he loved more than anything) and above her, he missed the loving and warm relationship they'd had. _All of these thrown away for a few hours of lust? I_ _expected to find a love better than what I have with Demelza, that night with Elizabeth, and yet what that night brought about was nothing but regret and a realisation that nothing, absolutely nothing at all would come close to what I feel for Demelza,_ he thought. What a cruel way it had been, to find that out! 

Ross settled into his chair behind the large wooden desk and poured himself a glass of brandy. He looked around the table for papers from the mine and picked them up. Things had been going favourably for Grace for quite some time now, and it had pleased him. Suddenly a shadow fell across his face.  _ None of this is worth having if I don't have the person who mattered the most by my side _ . He shook his thoughts off, thinking of that rainy night when she'd decided to stay, and give their marriage one more chance. And so she had. Even though they had shared a kiss on the clifftop that day, she had not made an attempt to resume any kind of relationship with him, except the one she had with him as the father of their child. He had no complaints, he would have lived with her like that of it meant she did not hate him. How he wished they could have so much more!  _ But for now,  _ he thought,  _ this was enough. She has not left me.  _

* * *

  
"No mama!" Jeremy had wailed with all his might at Demelza. "No" seemed to be his favourite that day. He hadn't had his lunch or dinner that day, and had been in the most fearful of tempers.  _ Like father like son _ , Demelza mused. "Jeremy, have a little something to eat, my lover, please?" , Demelza had sighed, trying to wrestle a spoonful of broth into his mouth. She had been worried sick whether he might have a stomach ache, but he hadn't complained of any pains. Jeremy had refused outright to have the broth, and was in the middle of trying to roll around on the blankets of the big bed. Just then, Demelza heard a sound from downstairs.  _ Must be Ross.  _

_He must be retiring for the night,_ she thought. She could no longer bring herself to look at him or smile at him. _No, I had my heart broken cruelly once, I'll not let it happen again._ A cruel voice in her head told her she'd been a coward for not letting him back into her heart again after that day on the clifftops. But she hadn't had the strength to look at him, and forget his past indiscretions, and tell him that she forgave him. _My heart might be soft but I'm proud, steadfast and true_ , she'd told herself ruthlessly. _I can't forgive him yet._ _However much I might want to,_ a small voice in her heart had said. 

"Would you like to go see Papa, my lover?", she'd asked him, smilingly brilliantly at him.  _ No more thoughts of that night. All that matters is that Jeremy is happy.  _

"Papa? Papa home?" Jeremy had stopped rolling around at the mention of Papa. He looked at Demelza, eyes shining. 

"Let's go see what Papa is doing, shall we?" She lifted him off the bed and hoisted him onto her hip. She pressed a kiss to his forehead, smoothed the hair on his brow and walked downstairs.

* * *

  
Ross had almost dozed off at his desk when he heard someone knock at the library door.  _ Who could it be? Definitely not Jud or Prudie, they would have drunk themselves under the table long ago. Unless it was…  _ He nodded off his drowsiness.  _ She had no reason to come knocking at his door at this hour _ . He finished the last of his brandy. "Come in! Door's open."

He started shuffling his papers and didn't notice the door open. It wasn't until he saw a glimmer of red out of the corner of his eye he looked up.

"Demelza?"

* * *

  
  
Demelza had steeled herself before knocking on the door.  _ Silly thing, it's only your house and she was only here so that Jeremy could see him. Nothing more.  _ She bounced Jeremy on her hip a little and knocked. He'd told her to come in and she pushed the heavy door and walked in. Ross was sitting in his chair, drinking brandy and looking at papers. She didn't say anything until he'd looked up.

"What is it? Is anything the matter?" Ross had been nervous when he realised it was Demelza who had walked in, carrying Jeremy. He seemed to be more anxious around them lately, as if the littlest thing could set her off and he took care to choose his words carefully.  _ Something I should have done long back _ , he sighed. She smiled at him, not one of her brilliant smiles that would make his heart melt and make him want to kiss her senseless, but a small smile, one that she would give acquaintances at parties.  _ It is more than I deserve or I could ask for.  _

"No, it's nothing. How was your day? How did your meetings go?" This was fine, she could make small talk with him.

"It went well, nothing out of the ordinary." He wished she would say more, for he hadn't the guts to talk to her and ask her,  _ are you fine, my love? I'm so, so sorry for everything I've done to you, I wish I could find the words to tell you how sorry I am.  _

She'd moved closer to the table where he was sitting, and the firelight threw her features into sharp focus. She looked thinner, as she had the past few months, but beautiful nonetheless. He got up to move closer to her and realised that Jeremy had been awake, his head on her shoulders. He thought she'd been carrying him, trying to lull him to sleep. 

"Master Jeremy has had the most tiring day, haven't you?", she looked at Jeremy and smiled. "He hasn't had his lunch or supper and he seems excited only to meet his Papa." 

"Is that so, Jeremy?", he asked, tilting his head at his son. Jeremy looked up at him shyly. Ross then moved towards Demelza and made to take Jeremy from her arms. Jeremy came willingly, wrapping his small arms around his neck and leaning his head against his shoulder. 

"Jeremy, will you have your dinner now, please?" She looked at Ross pleadingly as she said this, and he nudged Jeremy's head from his shoulder. "What if Papa read you a story while Mama gave you your dinner, hmmm? Would you like that?" "Yes Papa!"

Ross moved back towards the big chair behind the desk with Jeremy and sat down. He then took a book from the table, a book of children's stories that he had gotten for Julia. His heart momentarily twinged at the thought of her, but he put it away. "Alright, sir, which story would you like to read?" Jeremy opened the book to his favourite story. "This one!"

Demelza was looking at this picture and she felt the beginnings of years pricking at her eyes.  _ Don't cry, not now at least. Ross has paid him such little attention that even a simple story can make him this happy. He deserved to be foremost in his father's affections, not his cousin. No, no. Don't. He is trying now, trying to be a better husband and father. Don't think about the past now.  _ She moved to leave the room to get Jeremy's dinner.

Ross had started reading out the story from the book, complete with voices and sounds.  _ How long has it been, since I spent some time with my son? Never,  _ a voice told him.  _ I've never played with him or read him a story, as I have done with Julia. Dear god, I've spent more time with Geoffrey Charles than I have with my own son! I'm surprised Jeremy doesn't hate me by now. Of course not, he is like his mother, loving everyone unconditionally. Not anymore, she doesn't love  _ _ you _ _ anymore.  _ He suddenly realised that he had tears running down his cheeks, and brushed them away with one hand surreptitiously before Jeremy realised he was crying. He pressed a kiss to Jeremy's forehead, and turned the page. 

Demelza entered the room with a bowl of stew in her hand. Her heart melted at the sight before her, and realised,  _ I've missed this.  _ They had spent time playing with Julia after dinner and she would doze off and then Ross would kiss her goodnight when Demelza picked her up to settle her into her bed. She would come back down and then Ross would kiss her thoroughly until her knees buckled and then they would head to bed to continue their activities. She blushed as she thought of this and was glad that Ross couldn't see her now. She moved towards the table and set the bowl of stew down. She pulled up a chair and sat down next to them. 

As Ross continued to read from the book, Demelza fed Jeremy spoonfuls of the stew. He'd missed this simple domesticity and the fact that he used to find happiness in the simple, uncomplicated things in life.  _ Why did I even think of looking elsewhere for such happiness? Did I think I would have been happy with Elizabeth like I had been with Demelza? What a fool you are.  _

"Papa, read!" Ross had realised he'd stopped reading. Demelza was looking at him strangely, as if she was trying to decipher his thoughts. When he snapped out of his reverie, she looked away, suddenly interested in the vegetables in the stew. "I'm sorry, son! Papa was thinking about something, that's all."

_ What are you thinking? Do you regret staying with Jeremy and I already? Do you wish you'd stayed with Eli-  _ "No." Demelza didn't realise she'd said that out loud. "Mama?" "Mama is a little tired, my lover. Are you full?" He nodded, looking content to be sitting in his father's lap. 

"I'll put him to bed, then. Do you need anything, Ross?" Demelza addressed him directly, thankful that her voice didn't waver. Ross looked like he was about to say something, but then decided against it. "No, nothing, thank you." He cursed himself for his stiff words, she didn't deserve that from him, not after everything that had happened. He wanted to hold her, to tell her that he loved her and her alone, and kiss her warmly.  _ Will I ever be able to do that again?  _

Demelza got up, took Jeremy from Ross' lap and said, "Goodnight, then. Jeremy, say goodnight to Papa." Jeremy squirmed in her arms, and made as if he wanted to move closer to Ross. She bent down a little, and Jeremy kissed Ross on his cheek. "Goodnight, Papa!" He looked happy with himself and promptly leaned against his mother's shoulder and closed his eyes. Ross' eyes prickled with unshed tears, and he hoped Demelza didn't notice. "Goodnight, my dear. Sweet dreams." She smiled at him then, and his heart swelled. He smiled back at her, wishing once again he could kiss her goodnight. 

Demelza turned to leave the room, and turned unexpectedly. "There's some stew in the kitchen if you're hungry. It's still warm, have it if you'd like." With that she walked out of the room, feeling happier than she had been in weeks.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ross and Demelza continue to work on their relationship.
> 
> Don't forget to review! Enjoy:)

Demelza woke up earlier than usual next morning. It still wasn't light outside. She sat up on the bed and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She felt cold in her,  _ their  _ bed now. She missed waking up next to her husband, warm I'm his embrace. He'd kiss her good morning and nuzzle his nose in her hair. She stretched a little and rid herself of those thoughts. She got up from the bed, and walked over to the cupboard. She took out her navy blue frock and laid it on the bed along with its accompaniments. She performed her morning ablutions, and started to get dressed. She put on her shift and stays and slipped on her stockings. She picked up the garters, only to realise it had been the ones Ross had given her.  _ Why does everything have to remind me of him?  _ She tied the garters above her knees and put her petticoat on. She quickly finished dressing and moved to sit at the dressing table. She combed through her hair, it was always a mess in the mornings, even if she plaited her hair before sleep. Ross used to comb it for her when he had the time, when Julia was alive. The thought of her darling daughter still brought tears to her eyes. She realised with a pang that the next day would mark the fourth year of her death. 

She combed her hair into some semblance of order and took a look at herself in the mirror.  _ Cornflower indeed.  _ She turned and made her way downstairs. 

She checked on Jeremy, who was still sleeping. No point in waking him up, she thought. He had a long day yesterday. Besides, it was still a little dark outside. She made her way into the kitchen. She got out the flour and prepared to make the dough for the bread. 

  
  


Ross too had woken up early that day, not that he needed to go anywhere, but he wanted to spend as much time as possible with Demelza and Jeremy.  _ The mine can survive a day without me, I can put my time to better use at home.  _ He washed and got dressed quickly. He heard sounds of pots and pans from the kitchen, and realised that Demelza too was awake. He tentatively walked towards the kitchen and stood at the door. Demelza was singing to herself, as she often did when she was kneading the dough or doing chores around the house.  _ She hadn't done that of late. That sound is all too welcome.  _ She hadn't noticed him, and gave a little start when he walked in and sat down on the bench. Ross was suddenly reminded of the initial days of their marriage.  _ She is just as lovely, maybe even more so. I'm the one who has changed for the worse, and lost her trust and respect.  _

"Good morning, Ross", Demelza said as she continued to knead the dough. "Did you need anything? Are you headed to the mine?" 

"No, nothing at all. I just woke up early and came to see you. I'm not going to the mine today, because-" he trailed off, too embarrassed to state his reason.  _ You fool, open your mouth and speak. God knows you've suffered enough for it in the past. Tell her!  _

"Are you quite well, Ross? You're not ill, are you?" Demelza seemed quite anxious as she said this, and moved over to the bench where Ross was sitting. She placed the back of her clean hand against his forehead to gauge his temperature. "You don't have a fever, at any rate. Is it something else?"

Ross was privately happy at her concern, thankful that she still cared enough for enough. He seemed to be happy at the strangest things these days.  _ Strange? I've been a fool not to notice how well she's cared for me and our house all these years. I've dismissed it as her duty to me, but no, it was and is so much more than that! She cared for me as my friend, my wife, my lover! I'll not ignore her any longer, she deserves more, so much more. _

"Well, I was thinking whether you'd like to go on a picnic with Jeremy and I. I asked him last night when you went to fetch his supper and he seemed enthusiastic about it, and I promised Mama would come too. So, will you?" He looked at her with a small smile, unsure of her reaction.  _ Please, please agree, my love.  _

"Oh! I don't, I-" Demelza trailed off, shaking her head. " The two of you go, I have chores to do."  _ I'd dearly love to go to the beach, play with Jeremy and it would make him so happy to spend the day with his Papa! What am I afraid of?  _

His face fell at her words. "Prudie can do the chores", he grumbled. " Please, Demelza?" She giggled a little bit, seeing his face. Quickly composing herself, she said, "Alright, then. I believe Jeremy would be the most upset if you broke a promise, yes?" 

"I believe so, yes!" He couldn't stop himself from grinning. "Would you like some tea, Ross?" His joy was infectious and she too found herself smiling broadly as she prepared a pot of tea for them both. "What would you like to have for the picnic? Jeremy loves pasties, I'll make that for him. And saffron buns, yes?" She was practically bouncing in excitement, thinking of everything she could bake. 

_ I haven't seen her this happy in a long time,  _ Ross thought as he smiled fondly at her excitement. "My dear, it's only the three of us! Two and a half, really. You could feed an army with the quantity of food you wished to bake!", he said in amusement. She blushed at his words and said, "Maybe not that much then, but the pasties and buns for sure!" 

The tea was ready and she poured them a cup each. As they sipped their tea, they chatted about the picnic, about Jeremy and the house. 

_ Almost like old times, except nothing is the same. He still hasn't apologized, or said a word about  _ _ her.  _ _ Focus on the present, we will soon have a conversation about the elephant in the room.  _ She smilingly chatted on, burying her thoughts in the dark room of her mind where she'd locked away all her thoughts since the night of May ninth.

Ross felt as if she had been thinking about something, but she seemed to have developed a skill not to let her face betray her innermost thoughts.  _ I'll make it up to you, my love, whatever it takes.  _

Upstairs, Jeremy had woken. Upon hearing scuffling from his room, Demelza got up. She finished the last dregs of her tea and said, "Jeremy has woken up. I'll go and get him ready and bring him." She left the room in a trice. 

Ross was left alone in the kitchen. He looked at Demelza's retreating back and wondered what he should do now. He took the teacups, washed it and put it away. He sat at the table, watching the fire crackle in the fireplace. He got up and added a couple of logs to it, for the winter was quite chilly this year. The afternoon sun would be pleasant, he thought. He stood in front of the fireplace, lost in his thoughts. He then heard Jeremy's voice, chattering away. He turned around, and saw him toddling towards him. Ross couldn't describe the feeling in his heart then, except that he hadn't been this happy in a long time. Demelza was smiling her biggest smile at them both, as Ross picked up Jeremy and asked him, "Jeremy, did you tell Mama about the surprise?" " No, Papa! You told me not to tell!" Jeremy giggled uncontrollably, as if he was trying to hide something.

"What is this Jeremy? What is this secret Papa is talking about? I'm very sad you didn't tell me!" Demelza said, trying to look aggrieved but failed miserably. She had put the dough into the oven and looked at Ross, who was sitting on the bench balancing Jeremy on his knee. "Mama, we go for a picnic today!" He almost shouted in glee. Demelza tried her hardest to hold back her smile. "Oh my, that sounds wonderful! When are we going?" "Papa says afternoon when it's sunny!" 

She gave him his glass of milk and bread to eat. "Mama has to make food for the picnic, Jeremy, will you play with Papa in the morning?" She looked at Ross imploringly, hoping that he would say yes. "Papa will show you copper and tin samples, would you like that Jeremy?" He nodded his head happily and continued to drink his milk. Ross ruffled his son's hair, and hugged him a little tighter.  _ I've missed so much with Jeremy, I'm not going to anymore.  _ Demelza then served them their breakfast and sat down. They ate in companionable silence. She was focused on eating her food, smiling a little whenever she thought about the upcoming day. She didn't notice the little looks Ross kept giving her. 

* * *

Demelza had finished baking by early afternoon. She put the food and drink in a basket and went to get a blanket to lay on the ground. She went to the linen cupboard and got a blanket and a couple of towels out. She folded the blanket and towels neatly and put it next to the basket. She went to check on Ross and Jeremy in the library. She peered into the library, standing at the doorstep. Her husband and her son were sitting on the floor, playing with tin soldiers. Jeremy was showing Ross how to arrange them and Ross was looking on with the rapt attention.  _ Was it too late for them? Didn't he ought to have paid his son more attention and love when he was born? Isn't this but a last ditch effort to gain her love and respect back?  _ _ Is there even a point in thinking about that now? We'll have to wait and see, I suppose,  _ she thought with a sigh. She rubbed her temples and winced. She entered the room, and sat on the ground next to them. 

"Mama! We missed you! Papa does not know how to play", he said with a shrug. "I was only gone for sometime, you missed me already?" Demelza asked him teasingly. "We'll simply have to teach Papa then, don't we?" Ross looked at her sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. 

"I think we should get going then. It seems pleasantly warm outside. Shall I get the things, Ross?" "Yes, my dear. Also, I asked Jeremy whether he wanted to learn how to swim-"

"Swim, Ross! Are you mad? In this weather? He's only a child, he can't go swimming in the ocean in the middle of the winter!" Demelza was exasperated, she had raised her voice at him. 

"Demelza, I understand your concern. I thought we could swim in one of the coves where the water isn't too deep. Since it's the afternoon, the water won't be too cold also." He looked at her. Her eyes were stormy and she had cast her eyes upward, as sure sign that she was frustrated. "I'll be there with him, he won't be in any danger. I'm his father, would I put him in danger?" He couldn't help but add that. 

"So you remember you're his father." Demelza flinched the moment the words left her mouth. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." He looked crestfallen at her words, and nodded silently. 

"Mama, please can I go?", A trembling voice asked her. Only then she looked at her son, who looked slightly alarmed and unhappy.  _ Of course, he probably has never seen me get angry.  _

"Alright, Jeremy. But promise that you'll obey Papa?" "Thank you Mama!" He scrambled over to her and placed a wet kiss on her cheek. 

"Shall we get going then?"

* * *

  
  


They set off towards the cove, with Demelza holding the basket and Jeremy hanging onto Ross' hand.  _ Seems like all he wants is to spend time with Papa now.  _ The sun was shining on them, and a light breeze was blowing. It was truly a pleasant day. They reached the cove and Demelza got out the blanket and laid it out on a flat rock. She placed the basket on the ground and settled down. She looked over at Ross and Jeremy who had worn their swimming costume underneath their clothes and were stripping down. Ross then came over to her, and gave her their clothes. She stared for a moment at his naked torso, and blushed. She quickly grabbed the clothes from him and hid her flushed face from him.  _ Judas!  _

Ross walked towards the water holding Jeremy's hand and got into the calm waters. In the shallow waters, Ross taught Jeremy how to paddle his feet and taught him the basics of swimming. Demelza observed these scenes with a quiet smile on her face.  _ How long did I wish for this? And now it has come at a great cost.  _ "I'm going to see if there are any flowers, I'll be back shortly!", she called out to Ross. He looked at her and nodded. 

She wandered along the grass line, looking for any flowers that might be still growing there. She thought that she could plant some saplings back in her garden if she could find any she didn't have. As she reached the top, her mind drifted back to a period years ago. She had been picking flowers on the clifftop and she'd seen Ross bathe in the sea, without a stitch of clothing on. She'd been fascinated by what she saw. She had never told this to Ross, although she suspected he'd seen her that day. 

She couldn't find any young saplings, disappointed, she headed back to the cove. As she walked back, Jeremy seemed to have tired of swimming and Ross had picked him up and was walking with him towards her. She got out a towel from the basket and wrapped Jeremy in it, towelling him dry. Ross headed back to the sea to swim a bit more. He shot her a knowing look as she continued to stare at him, pausing from her effort. When Jeremy was completely dry, she got his clothes and dressed him. "Are you cold, my lover? Would you like a blanket to wrap yourself?" "No, Mama! I'm hungry." His stomach gave a loud grumble at this and she gave him a pasty from the basket. He munched on it happily. Ross too, realised they'd started eating and promptly swam back. He jogged a little, shaking of water droplets off him. She got up to hand him a towel, and he headed straight for the food. "Ross!" She chastised him. "Dry yourself or you'll catch a cold!" And wear your clothes, for goodness sake, it's quite cold." He looked at her in mock upset before taking the towel from her. He started to get dressed. He pulled his shirt on and simply wore his waistcoat without buttoning it up. Then he sat down on the blanket with them and started to eat. Demelza shook her head fondly at him and proceeded to take a bun from the basket. 

The three of them ate in silence, gazing at the sea ever so often, and Ross and Demelza glancing at each other surreptitiously. Jeremy yawned. Demelza pulled him close to her and put his head on her lap. He blinked sleepily and dozed off. "Should we get going? If Jeremy is tired he could sleep in his bed." "The weather is so pleasant, Ross! Can we stay for some more time? Besides, I don't think he minds this", she gestured to him on her lap. "He looks just like you when you're asleep." Demelza said, feeling brave all of a sudden. She hadn't talked to him so freely, since that night. Their honest, teasing and loving relationship of the past had morphed into a curt, polite one born out of necessity, for Jeremy's sake.  _ Is this a sign that we are moving past my transgressions? I hope so, dear God. I would give the world to have her and Jeremy back.  _

"Is that how I look when I'm asleep?" "At least he doesn't snore!" Demelza giggled.

"I do not snore!"

"Of course you do, I slept next to you for six years." 

The tone of their banter suddenly shifted, and both of them fell quiet.  _ Of course, he threw that away the night he left me for Elizabeth.  _

Almost as if he sensed her thoughts, he shifted the topic of conversation. "The sea was very calm today, good thing we came today." "Oh?" 

"Yes, Jeremy seemed to enjoy it very much. We should come again soon." "He'd like that very much."

"And you, Demelza?"

She swallowed.  _ She'd liked it too, more than anything.  _ "Yes, it was quite nice." Her words belying her thoughts. "Shall we get going then? It's getting dark." 

He reached into his pocket and checked his watch. "Why, so it is. We'll head back." He buttoned up his waistcoat and wore his coat. He then reached to take Jeremy from her. He lifted him up into his arms, and he stirred a little. Ross patted him lightly on the back and lulled him back to sleep. Demelza had started packing up the things and straightened, holding the basket. 

They started walking at a leisurely pace, enjoying the sun set on the Cornish skies. The sky was aflame with the yellow-orange setting sun. Their hands dangled at their sides, and Ross reached to take Demelza's in his. Her hand was warm in his, and he gave it a squeeze. She smiled at him, her blue-green eyes shining. His heart swelled. "You know, I saw you that day, when you were bathing." She said, matter - of - factly. 

"When?" He looked confused at this, trying to think of the last time he'd swum in the ocean. 

"Before we were married, when you came back from that ball you'd gone to with Verity. I was picking flowers on the clifftop, and I saw you bathe in the ocean." She looked at him, and a realisation dawned on him.

"That was a long time ago! Wasn't I -"

"Yes, Ross. You were." She blushed furiously, having gotten a wind of what he was about to say.  _ Naked _ _. She had been captivated. _

"I did think someone was on the clifftops, watching me. But I didn't give it a second thought." He murmured. Feeling bold, he asked her, "Tell me, my dear, did you like what you saw?" 

She stopped in her tracks sharply.  _ Did he just ask her that!  _ She looked at him, and saw that he was smirking.  _ Well, two can play at a game.  _ "I don't know, Ross. Why else would have I come to you that night wearing that dress?" She met his eyes straight on, and he saw that she had a twinkle in her eyes. He chuckled and they continued walking, their hands entwined and their hearts lighter.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Demelza makes a decision regarding their future. 
> 
> AN : I have chosen not to write Demelza with a Cornish accent because I know I'll be bad at it, hope it doesn't affect the reading experience in any way! On that note, enjoy! Please do leave a review:)

_ Ross was walking along the beach. He was barefoot, the feel of the warm sand was pleasant between his toes. He saw two people, one holding the hand of the other at the edge of the ocean… Who could it be? He jogged a little to get closer to them. As he approached them, he could see the brilliant red-gold hair of the taller one, made even more striking by the sunlight glinting off the curls. Demelza! And she held the hand of the younger one. It was Julia. He made an effort to get to them, but his feet felt strangely heavy. They were both walking along the shore. Just at that moment, the sky grew grey and thunder rumbled. The waves grew extremely big and he shouted at them to get away from the shore, but they couldn't hear him. The waves crashed over them and they vanished… Suddenly he heard the voice of Elizabeth saying, "let them go, Ross. I know you'd rather be with me."  _

"NO!" Ross jumped awake in a cold sweat, shouting.  _ No. That was not real.  _ He splashed some water onto his face, and started with his morning rituals. He got dressed quickly. He wondered whether to add a stock, but decided against it owing to lack of time.

It was the fourth year of Julia's death. Demelza would go to church that day to lay flowers on her grave. Ross had never gone with her before, not for lack of love for his daughter, but he never had the strength to do so. He had put away his grief of her death after that day, unlike Demelza.  _ I am weak, too afraid to open that door. She is strong, much stronger than me. I locked her out too, perhaps. Only one night! What a fool I am for saying that. My infatuation with Elizabeth started after Julia's death. How I wish I could go back in time and change everything.  _

He had asked Demelza the previous night whether he could come with her to the church. She looked a little taken aback by this, but had agreed nonetheless. 

He headed to the kitchen. Demelza was already up and had served breakfast. They ate in silence. "I'll wait outside." She nodded, "I'll clear this up and join you." He made his way outside the house. The golden sunshine painted the farm and the house in its warmth on the cold winter's morning. He breathed in the fresh air and closed his eyes. He rubbed his hands together, and breathed into it. He walked over to Demelza's garden, to pick some flowers for a bouquet. He had no notion of these things, but he thought to pick the ones he thought were pretty. As he bent to pluck a flower he heard someone moving behind him.  _ Demelza.  _ He plucked the flower and rose. He turned towards her. "I thought I'd pick some flowers for her. I hope that's alright," he breathed. 

She seemed surprised at his words. "Of course, why wouldn't it be? May I join you?" He nodded fervently. They wordlessly started picking flowers, the silence occasionally being punctuated by Demelza pointing out Julia's favourite flowers. "She liked plucking these flowers from the garden, and I've had to reprimand her for it often!" For a moment she smiled, but her lower lip wobbled, and her eyes brimmed with tears. Ross gathered her into his arms, kissed her gently on the forehead and ran a reassuring hand up and down her back. Her arms hung limply at her sides, and her sobs eventually quietened. She drew back and rubbed her hand across her eyes, now red-rimmed from her tears. Ross' heart ached - for he could never bear to see her cry, and even more so for Julia, their darling daughter. He felt tears running down his cheeks too, and dragged his sleeve across his face. He handed the flowers he had gathered to Demelza, and she tied her bundle with his. 

* * *

They walked towards Sawle church silently, Demelza's arm in Ross'. It was cold, and she only had her woollen shawl around her. He thought about purchasing a new cloak when he went into town that day. He had longed to buy Demelza gifts, to see her unadulterated joy in being given new things. But she had never  _ wanted  _ gifts, and had told him once that she would be happy if he still cared for her. He'd given her nothing, not gifts, not his love and affection, and he felt ashamed.  _ I cannot right my wrongs by buying her gifts, as she rightly pointed out when I gave her the brooch that night.  _ She shivered a little, and he asked her, "Do you want my coat? It is rather chilly today." "No, Ross. You will be cold then. At least I have my shawl. I will be fine." She tucked the shawl a little bit more securely around her. He pulled her a little closer to him and she looked at him in surprise. They hadn't been this close since that night, on their way back back from Trenwith. He could smell her fragrance - the heady mix of flowers, spices and something that was entirely  _ Demelza.  _ She felt warmer, closer to him and tightened her grip on his arm a bit, both of them savouring the closeness. 

They reached Sawle church quickly enough, and headed to the graveyard. Neither of them set much store by religion, and had found no reason to go to church regularly. Julia had been buried next to Ross' parents and brother. He had never gone to the grave except the one time he took Demelza to see her after her death. He had been too heartsick to even think about going there, unlike Demelza who went every year. They approached the grave, and Demelza bent down and placed the flowers on the grave. She stayed there like that for a few moments, with her eyes closed.  _ Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, my darling. How I wish I had been the one sleeping there instead of you.  _ She felt Ross touch her back, and rose. He had tears running down his cheeks. "I miss her everyday," his voice breaking. She leaned her head on his shoulder and choked back the tears in her throat. They stood like that for a few minutes, the tears breaking down a few of the barriers between them. 

They did not realise when they had started walking back home, but they seemed to have found their love that had been buried after Julia's death.  _ But I don't think I can love him wholeheartedly until the air is cleared of the shadow hanging between us. Elizabeth.  _ She made up her mind then, to talk to him about it tonight, her mind resolute. 

They reached the house. "I must go to Truro today, do you need something?" His voice shook her from her reverie. His eyes were red, and his voice choked. "No, there isn't anything I need. Wait - I will have to check." She went into the kitchen, while Ross went into the library to gather his belongings and papers. She checked the cupboards for provisions, and made a mental list accordingly. She went to the library to give the list to Ross.

* * *

Ross gathered the papers he needed and put them into his saddlebag. He tried to get his hair into some semblance of propriety. He proceeded to tie his stock around his neck, which proved to be a difficult task without a mirror. He whipped it off his neck and swore. He heard a knock on the door. "Come in!" He tried to do up the stock again but failed miserably. Ever since he moved into the library he never had had the patience for such things. He turned to see Demelza walk in, a small smile in her face. She shyly observed him try to accomplish his task. "Here, let me?" She moved closer to him and took the stock from his hands. She put it around his neck, and began to do it up with her nimble fingers. She was close enough to feel his breathing hitch in his throat. He was unsure of what to do with his hands, and let it remain at his side. Her eyes were focussed on the task, not daring to look up to his face.  _ She was always accomplished at doing these up almost as much as she was at undoing them,  _ he thought wryly. The closeness of her made his head swim with desire. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to forget such thoughts. "There! All done." She gave a small pat to his chest, almost out of habit and suddenly withdrew her hand. She looked down at his feet, flushed. "Uh- thank you. I must -" He dashed to the table to get the bag, and asked, "Is there anything to be purchased from town?" 

"Oh?" She looked dazed, as if trying to recollect her thoughts. "Yes, some sugar and twine. That's all." He cleared his throat. "Alright, then. I might be a bit late." She walked out with him to the stable and waved him goodbye as he rode out. 

* * *

Demelza tried to have a normal day, trying not to dwell on Julia. She kept herself occupied with her chores, and found more tasks to do once she was done. She was working on clearing the garden of weeds, when Jeremy came. She got him to assist her in the task, with the promise of pudding for supper. Like any child, he was enthusiastic initially, but got bored after a while and ran off to play with Garrick. She smiled at him fondly.  _ How blessed am I to have him in my life? I once thought I'd never recover from the loss of Julia but Jeremy has helped me. Sometimes I do wonder if Ross blames me for her death. Maybe he didn't want Jeremy because he thought he'd be taking her place.  _ _ No.  _ _ This ends tonight. I shall talk to him, and see if anything can be done.  _ She watered the plants, and soon it was time for lunch. She had a quiet lunch with Jeremy and they played for a while. Soon he grew tired, and if truth be told, she was a little tired herself. "How about we sleep for some time, hmm?" He nodded, looking drowsy. She instructed Prudie to wake her up if any visitors came and took Jeremy upstairs. His eyes closed the moment his head hit the pillow. Demelza slept off soon after. 

It was starting to get dark outside when she woke up.  _ Judas, had I slept the afternoon away!  _ Jeremy also stirred beside her and asked her in a daze, "Papa? Where's Papa?" 

"He has gone out, my darling. He will be late coming back." Both of them scrambled off the bed and made their way to the kitchen. Demelza took the apron hung on a nail and tied it around her waist. Jeremy took out his tin soldiers and proceeded to play with them, while Demelza prepared the dough for bread. Prudie was asleep at the table as usual, and she left her to her own devices. She hummed to herself while she kneaded the dough. The sound seemed to stir Prudie. She woke up and promptly asked Demelza if there was anything to be done. Demelza said, "If you could get the clothes from outside, that would be helpful, thank you." She ambled off to do the same, and soon came back with a basket filled with washed clothes. "Leave them be, I'll sort it out myself. Can you put some water to boil?" 

They completed the preparations for dinner between themselves, and it was almost dinnertime. She told Prudie to have supper, and go to bed if she liked. She was more than happy to comply. She fed Jeremy his supper while Prudie ate, and settled him into bed. 

"Mama? I want to see Papa."

"Oh, Jeremy. It will be late by the time he comes back. You can see him tomorrow, hmmm?"

"Please, Mama?" 

"I'll tell Papa to come and kiss you goodnight when he comes, alright? Now go to sleep." 

She kissed him goodnight and went downstairs to have her supper. After eating, she decided to sort the laundry out. She folded the clothes and sorted them into different piles to be put into hers and Jeremy's cupboards. She would have taken Ross' clothes along with hers, but he now kept his clothes in a chest in the library.  _ Just one of the many changes that have happened over the past few months.  _ She went upstairs to put away her clothes, and then got Ross' clothes and went to the library. She reached the library and put the clothes on the bed, when she noticed the room was quite cold. She started a fire, and stood there for a few minutes, relishing the warmth. She collected the clothes from the bed and opened the chest. She started placing the clothes neatly into it, when she heard someone enter the room.  _ Ross! _

He stood there, holding a couple of parcels on his hand along with his saddlebag. His hair looked windswept and messy, as if he'd galloped along the cliffside path to reach quickly. She swallowed. "Hello, Ross. How was your day?" She continued to put the clothes into the chest. Only after she'd put the last one in, he spoke. "Tiresome. But also productive, the shareholders are happy with the profits." He placed the items he held on the table, and shrugged out of his coat. "It's damnably cold outside," he grumbled. 

"It is, isn't it? Have you had your supper?" "Yes, I had supper from the Red Lion." She rose and walked towards the door. "I'll leave you to your tasks, then. Is there something you need before I go?"  _ Dear God, Demelza! Talk to him!  _

"No, I don't need anything." He untied his stock and undid the buttons of his waistcoat. "I have something for you." He moved to the desk and took a parcel and handed it to her. She seemed surprised at this gift. "For me?" He nodded. She exhaled a sharp breath, and her mind was suddenly cast to the last time he'd given her a gift.  _ The stockings and garters.  _ She blushed at the thought of him presenting the gift to her, and the ensuing night. She took it from his hands, and untied the string. It was something in forest green, and she shook it out. It was a cloak! 

"Your old cloak seems worn out, I thought you needed a new one." He was looking at her intently, as if trying to decipher the emotions playing out on her face. "I - thank you." Her eyes seemed moist as she ran her fingers over the fine material, admiring the pretty moss green cloak. Tears threatened to spill, and she blinked them away. 

Ross noticed the tears on her eyelids, and instantly shot out a hand to stroke her cheek. He always hated to see her cry. "Don't cry, my love." 

He suddenly froze, when he used the endearment. Demelza hadn't noticed, or she pretended not to notice. He raised her face with his two fingers and met her eyes, blue - green holding hazel. She kept the cloak on the table, her eyes never leaving his. Something changed in the air then, and before they knew it, they had moved inexplicably closer to each other. His hand cupped her cheek, and they could feel their breaths intermingling. Her eyes fluttered shut just as she felt the ghost of his lips on hers. He pressed the faintest of kisses on her lips, and she felt dizzy with desire. As he moved to deepen the kiss, Demelza jerked away. She pulled back as quickly as they had come together. His eyes snapped open, searching hers. He saw pain and fear swimming in her eyes. "I'm - I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." 

Her knees felt weak. She turned around and moved to sit somewhere, and automatically drifted to the closest thing to her, his bed. She sat down heavily and buried her face in her hands. He moved towards the bed, and knelt in front of her. "What is it, what is the matter? Is it something I've done?" He heard the words the instant they left his mouth, and regretted it instantly.  _ What have I not done? Forfeited her trust, broke her heart, is there anything left to be done?  _ "My love?" He touched her hands gently then, trying to pry it away from her face. She gave in.  _ No. I will not cry. You've managed to hold in your tears for the past seven months, you're not going to let him see you cry now.  _

"Do you seriously ask me that?" She looked at him, unblinking. He still loosely held her hands, clasped in her lap. "I often think I should have been the one, instead of Julia." 

"Demelza!" His eyes flashed at her words, and clasped her hands a little tighter. "Don't- don't say that." 

"How can I not, Ross? You can just tell me, you blame me for her death."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How can I not, Ross? You can just tell me, you blame me for her death."
> 
> Ross and Demelza finally talk.
> 
> Enjoy! And don't forget to leave a review:)

"How can I not, Ross? You can just tell me, you blame me for her death."

"No! No, Demelza, you can't say that!" However, his voice lacked the conviction of his thoughts.  _ Did I not blame her for bringing the illness to our home? No, there wasn't anything that could be done to save her.  _ She looked at him, challenging his words. "At that time, I did. You went to Trenwith and brought the illness here. No one could have saved her - she was too weak." His eyes were swimming with tears. She too, had silent tears running down her cheeks. 

"But that doesn't change the fact that I was the one who made her sick. I wished... I was the one - instead of her."

"Demelza! Don't say that. I can't bear the thought of losing you. You know I don't set store by religion - but that night I prayed. I prayed to God that I wouldn't lose you." 

"You called me the love of your life," she said quietly. "Did you mean it, Ross?"

"You are my life, Demelza. I told you she'd never take me - and I broke that trust." 

"It isn't only about trust, Ross. It was my worst nightmare. She is everything I'm not. Why would you stay with me? If - if I'd died you could have been happy with her!" She was crying now, her face still beautiful in her agony.  _ Like that day at the beach when I found her.  _

"I could have never been happy without you, my dear. The time we had with Julia - were the happiest of my life. And you're wrong. I would never have been happy with her." 

"Do you wish I hadn't gone to Trenwith that night?"

"Demelza, I understand you went there in an effort to mend our broken relationship and earn my forgiveness. You didn't need my forgiveness, my love," he said, moving to sit next to her on the bed.

"Oh, Ross. I wish - I wish you'd said that when I needed to hear it most."  _ Along with a lot of other things I wish you'd say.  _

"My actions in May caused a great amount of hurt to you. I -" He trailed off suddenly, unable to find the right words.

"In May! How dare you say you betrayed my trust that one night?" She raised her voice, her eyes flashing. She tore her hands away from his, and moved away from where he was. She looked wary of him, as if she were an animal caught in a trap. 

"Ever since Francis died you have left me and Jeremy to fend for ourselves while you played the happy family with Elizabeth! Nay, Ross. Even before he died."

He looked taken aback at her words, wincing at the harshness of it.  _ I did this.  _ "I won't deny that," he said, with a quiet resignation in his voice. "I tried to escape the realities of our life together, to live a life of fantasy with her. I didn't want to face the life I had with you - one filled with pain and suffering." She swallowed her tears, and turned her head away from him. "No, Demelza. The life I had - no, have with you is human. No marriage or life is perfect. I was an idiot, not to know that."

Demelza lifted her head and looked at him, her whole body shaking. "For better and for worse, for richer and poorer - didn't we promise each other that? Just say it, Ross. You regret marrying me. And you wish you'd married Elizabeth instead." Her voice had taken on that bitter quality again, one that she'd adopted after that night in May. 

"What? You can't mean that, Demelza. I don't regret marrying you," his voice rising. "You - you saved me," he said softly. 

"Is that why you kept me around? Because you felt indebted to me? You said your night with Elizabeth was the outcome of a devotion that lasted 10 years. So that's what our entire marriage was?" She got up, moving away from the bed towards the door.  _ I can't do this, I don't want to talk to him.  _ A part of her cried,  _ if you don't talk this shall never get over.  _ But strangely her irrational side won and she proceeded to the door. Ross ran after her, and blocked her passage at the door. 

"Let me go." She didn't have energy to fight him anymore. "No, Demelza. Not until we talk this through." He looked at her imploringly, "please, my love?"

"Don't- don't call me that. " She let herself be pulled back to the bed and sat down. He assumed his previous position next to her. 

"I did love her once, and I thought I'd carry her in my heart forever. As always, I was wrong! Ever since the day I met you, you have grown into my heart bit by bit. When I told you I loved you, I meant it. I still mean it, my dear." He tentatively reached out and took her hand in his. She kept her face turned away from him.

"Then why did you say you were devoted to her for ten years? Was everything we shared a lie?"

"I didn't mean that, Demelza. I was angry when you told me of your encounter with McNeil and that moment, I said things I didn't mean. Everything we have shared in our life was a blessing, and it is my greatest desire to have such happiness again." His eyes softened, searching her face for something - trust, hope, anything. 

"But that doesn't change the fact that I was - am second best in your heart. When you married me, I had no hope that you'd ever love me. I knew that you loved her, and I didn't deny the fact. But, but when you said you loved me, when I was carrying Julia, I dared to hope - that you loved me and me alone." She looked at him then, the pain clear on her face. "We were happy, Ross. Why did you have to throw everything away?"

"I have no excuse for what I did that night - I was angry and impulsive and - and foolish. You're right - I threw everything away…" He trailed off, his eyes pleading.

"Did you enjoy it, Ross?" she asked him, quietly.

"At the basest level, yes." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that she was crying again. "But I thought that I'd find something with her that I did not have with you. I do not want to be the kind of man who'd compare two women - but I can say this much, love. I couldn't find the equality of love I have with you." 

"How do you think I feel, Ross? That you were thinking about another woman when you touched me, kissed me and made love to me?"

"I have never once thought about her in that way before - before that night. It has always been you. Only you. I admit it, there were times I thought about how a life with her would have been like, but that was before I realised I loved you. I had fallen in love with you even before I realised it, my love. I was foolish not to recognise the feelings I had for you."

She extracted her hands from his, and wiped her cheeks with it. She let it remain in her lap, twisting it wildly. 

"You may say pretty words now, Ross. How do I know that you won't go back to her? What if a month later you decide you want her after all?"

"Dear God, Demelza!" His voice rose, and she shrunk away a little. "She means nothing to me. She could never be what you are to me. Indispensable. I - I love you." His voice was softer now, and had moved closer to her.

"Is that why you called me your scullery maid that night? The night I told you I was with child again?", she asked, quietly.

"Dear God." He looked stunned, trying to take in what she said. "I called you a scullery maid - because she could never, ever do the things you do to keep us comfortable. I don't tell you this enough, Demelza - that you're remarkable. I don't deserve you." 

A sob choked out of her. "Don't - don't. You don't mean it."

"I used to think that you did these things because you were a - a miner's daughter." She stood up and moved away from him. "You did everything at a great cost to yourself - and I am a fool to have even thought of her." He got up and moved to take her in his arms. She pulled herself away from his embrace. "No…"

She crumpled onto the floor, sobbing. He took her into his arms, and rubbed a soothing hand down her back. He pressed a kiss to her hair, and said, "I love you, Demelza. Only you." She continued to cry, and breath coming in choking sobs. 

"I'm sorry, my love. For everything." She looked up at his face, when he said this. "You - you never apologized to me," she said through tears. 

"At the time, I couldn't find the words for it. Can you forgive me?" He looked at her, beseeching. 

"How can I know that you won't leave Jeremy and me again? I'm not content to be second best," she said, echoing her words from that night she almost left. "Jeremy deserves to have his father's foremost attention, and love. How do I know you wouldn't rather be with Geoffrey Charles? Seeing as you were a much better father to him than to your own son. You didn't even want him!" She tried to move out of his embrace, but he held onto her gently. 

She relaxed her struggle and placed her head on his shoulder. He could feel his shirt soaking with her tears.

"I don't know how my words can convince you that you will never be second best. But I know this much, Demelza. I would rather spend a life of poverty and hardship if it meant having you and Jeremy with me, rather than anything else. If I don't have you both with me, then nothing in life is worth having.  **_Nothing._ ** I didn't want Jeremy at first because the grief of losing Julia was still sharp. I couldn't bear to love him and then lose him too. I thought - I thought I could protect my heart by keeping him away. But the past two days I have spent with him and you have been the happiest days of my life in a very long time. Will you let me try and make amends to you and Jeremy, love? Will you at least let me try?" He realised that he was crying too, and hugged her a little tighter. 

They stayed together like that for some more time, neither knew him much. Eventually Demelza's sobs quietened, and she lifted her head from his shoulder. "I thought we would never be happy again, but the past two days have shown me otherwise. That is all I want, Ross. For us to spend time together and be a - a proper family. I don't need riches beyond measure, fine clothes or jewels. I want you to love me and Jeremy wholeheartedly - that's all. He was beyond excited to play with you! He might be a child, Ross, but he knows when his Papa loves him and when he doesn't." He shot his hand out to stroke her cheek, and she leaned into his touch. 

"Promise me, Ross, that I won't lose you again."

He nodded fervently, "I promise. And I love you - more than I could put into words." He gazed into her striking blue - green eyes, eyes that held his while they made love, eyes that lit up when she would smile at him. That moment, both of them felt truly at peace. He knew she had given him one more chance, to love and cherish them. She knew that he would make amends for his deeds, and find the happiness they once had. 

"I'm very tired, I'd like to go to bed." They got up, and he kissed her forehead, breathing deeply. She started to walk away and had reached the door, when she turned around and said, "Will you come with me?" She looked at him, and he hoped she wasn't second - guessing her decision. 

"Of course - whatever you wish. I can stay here tonight," he added as an afterthought.

"No - I do wish it." 

He came up to her, and she took his hand in hers. They went upstairs together, towards a new beginning. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get that this conversation couldn't happen in canon because no one talks in Cornwall. It's wishful thinking on my part, how I wish things would happen!


End file.
